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A place for English 11 students from the Pearson Adult Learning Centre in New Westminster, BC, Canada to read work in progress, critique, and ask or answer questions (of other students and of the teacher).
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- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
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24 comments:
Posted here by Brad. Remember to post a comment in the correct section everyone.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Neela Hkrami
2008-09-18
Maria- Biography
Maria is married to her beloved husband for three years, and has no children yet. She has two brother and sister who live in Peru with their parents. She moved to Canada in April, 2006. Maria’s spoken language is Spanish, and she has lived in New Westminster since she moved here. Maria was born in Lima, a city of Peru one of the most beautiful countries in western South America. It has four seasons with very beautiful summers and nice winters. Tourism is growing faster in Peru than other countries in South America because of its beautiful nature. The most interesting thing about Peru are its wild beaches which attracts thousands of people from around the world every year, and its well known sea food which called ceviche that originated in Peru and has become other countries like Mexico’s famous dish.
In her 27 years living in Lima she shared a lot of happy time with her family and friends. She always thinks about her past as a memorable life which was full of fun. She still can’t forget the smell of the fresh water in the beaches that always had given people new spirit. She loved living there, but she moved to Canada two and a half years ago since her husband who was an engineer in his country wanted to get Canadian education. Now he is doing MBA at UBC, and expecting a bright future.
As our birthday’s surprise parties will always be logged in our minds; Maria also talks about her sixth birthday party with eagerness. It was the time when she got her first school back pack from her father whom had made her very happy; she swaggered proudly all day to show everyone that she was ready enough to go to school soon. Maria‘s grandmother was important to her in her childhood since she was raised by her grandmother. When she was a child, Maria’s mother had a full time job, her grandmother was the only person who could take care of her all the time, and taught her every single word.
Completing psychotherapy in Peru in four years was her big success toward a new life. However, she loved working with people; she also loved that job because of the benefit which she used to earn at the time. She worked as a psychotherapist for two and a half years in a very busy clinic that was very close to her house. She enjoyed being with people who needed help, and also had fun guiding them how to overcome their emotional and mental problems.
After she settled in Canada, Maria attended VCC, until she got a job as a secretary in a transport company which called Sure Haul. As she wants to improve her English and get in to BCIT to obtain her consulting diploma, she had to quit her job and joined PALC on February 2008. Her goals are to get her dream job and become a mother of two kids. Her major accomplishments are becoming a good wife, being able to speak English, and getting her BC driving license.
Hi Neela: Vivid details! Some, however, concern Peru more than they do Maria's life story. Try to balance these; perhaps your biography can be shorter. Also, split some longer paragraphs to aid readability.
Neela was born in a beautiful city of Afghanistan, Kabul. Kabul is known because its natural landscapes such as mountains, forests, etc. In summer the weather in Kabul is very warm that people have to dress light clothes but, in winter the weather is very cold, mountains in this season are covered with snow and people like to go there to have fun. Neela lived in Kabul for 25 years and she was very happy with her family and friends; however, she had to leave her birthplace because the war. Kabul was not anymore a save place to live in.
In her childhood years, Neela’s mother was the most important person for her, because she spent a lot of time with her mother at home. Neela’s mother took care full time of her and her older sister; for that reason, Neela has a lot of memories about her mother and sister. One of her most important memories was the time that her mother and sister organized a surprise party for her birthday when she was 7 years old. Neela thought they had forgotten her birthday but, when she came back from the park, all her friends where in her place waiting for her and her mother was with a big present for Neela. She never forgot that special day.
When Neela finished high school, she studied at law school for four years in Kabul. She choose this career because she loves to help people solving their problems and fights for a fair reason. Moreover, she thinks it is very interesting to investigate cases and to decide what is wrong or right. For example, she liked very much her job in Kabul as a lawyer because she had to investigate cases and send people to the court to be judged.
Neela’s hobbies are watching TV, going to the theater, and listening music. She hopes to get married a man who loves her a lot. Her major accomplishments in Vancouver have been getting her driver license, studying administration computer, and becoming a Canadian citizen. All these accomplishments are very important for her to feel confident in her new country. Neela thinks that the most important goal she has now is to speak English fluently, if she gets better speaking English it will be easier for her to achieve more goals.
Mia
Mia was born in Tianjin, one of the four biggest cities which are dominated by Chinese central government. Tianjin is located in north China and only one hundred and twenty kilometers away from Beijing. It is a coastal city and has the biggest harbor in north China, so it has become the most important economic center in the area. Mia had been living in Tianjin until she moved to Vancouver. In her memory, Tianjin is an indelible place because she has such a happy childhood there and so many great experiences in that city. She can remember her first day in elementary school, because she felt so nervous and excited. She also won’t forget that she played the fireworks with her classmates in spring festival. Even now she is in Vancouver she still miss her friends and also those delicious snacks of her hometown.
When Mia was a child, she had regarded her mother as a great female. Her mother has three children includes Mia. When they were very young, their father worded in other place but not Tianjin and he can not often go back home. So her mother had to take care the children by herself, meanwhile she also need to work. Though it’s tough for her to raise children and work at the same time, she didn’t complain about it and tried to do her best. Nowadays, when Mia faces some difficulty in her life, she will think of her mother, those experience of her mother will encourage her to resolve the problems.
To Mia, it is an important event to immigrant to Canada. She moves to Vancouver six years ago. At first, she lived in Vancouver and then move to New Westminster three years ago. She is now studying in Pearson Adult Learning Center. She has taken the courses of Biology, Civic, Math and English. Her target is to get a diploma and then find a job.
Mia has a very wide range of interests. She likes music, TV program and movies. She is also very interested in sports such as tennis, basketball and soccer. She often watches the television broadcast of sport games such as NBA. As her favorite sport, soccer is not so popular in Canada as it is in China, so she has not too many chances to watch soccer games, especially on the spot. Another hobby of Mia is go fishing. Mia and her friends often go to Barnet Beach Park, in which there is a beautiful beach and a good place for fishing. Sometimes they can get some crabs or flounder, then they can have a feast. Mia also likes to walk in Queens Park. There are many big plants and beautiful lawn in the park, she feels so comfortable and quiet when she walks in the trail. One of the most unforgettable experiences is that she once take the cruise to Alaska, it was such a relaxing journey plus the beautiful scenes from the ocean, which can really take your breath away.
Mia’s life in Canada is fulfilled with both study and leisure.
Hi Mia! your writing is fantastic.The way you put your words together and organized your paragraphs has impressed me.you are an amazing writer.
Maria- Biography
Maria is married to her beloved husband for three years, and has no children yet. She has two brother and sister who live in Peru with their parents. She moved to Canada in April, 2006. Maria’s spoken language is Spanish, and she has lived in New Westminster since she moved here. Maria was born in Lima, a city of Peru one of the most beautiful countries in western South America. The most interesting thing about Peru is its wild beaches which attract thousands of people from around the world every year, and its well known sea food which called ceviche.
In her 27 years living in Lima she shared a lot of happy time with her family and friends. She always thinks about her past as a memorable life which was full of fun. She still can’t forget the smell of the fresh water in the beaches that always had given people new spirit.
Maria loved living there , but she moved to Canada two and a half years ago since her husband wanted to get Canadian education. Now he is doing MBA at UBC, and expecting a bright future.
As our birthday’s surprise parties will always be logged in our minds; Maria also talks about her sixth birthday party with eagerness. It was the time when she got her first school back pack from her father whom had made her very happy.
Maria‘s grandmother was important to her in her childhood since she was raised by her grandmother. When she was a child, Maria’s mother had a full time job, her grandmother was the only person who could take care of her all the time, and taught her every single word.
Completing psychotherapy in Peru in four years was her big success toward a new life. However, she loved working with people; she also loved that job because of the benefit which she used to earn at the time. She worked as a psychotherapist for two and a half years. She enjoyed being with people who needed help, and also had fun guiding them how to overcome their emotional and mental problems.
After she settled in Canada, Maria attended VCC, until she got a job as a secretary in a transport company which called Sure Haul. As she wants to improve her English and get in to BCIT to obtain her consulting diploma, she had to quit her job and joined PALC on February 2008. Her goals are to get her dream job and become a mother of two kids. Her major accomplishments are becoming a good wife, being able to speak English, and getting her BC driving license.
Maria's biography
Bravo Neela! I see a very good writer seats behind a silent smily face; strong in your description and structre.
Mia' biography
Sam, you are clear writer, yet you need cut or shorten some stories about Mia's life in order to make it shorter and more attractive to reader. Good luck!
Wow! I like Neela's biography! I interested in maria's country and her city which is Lima! And I want go to the beach in Peru!! And your biography has lots of interesting details!! good job!!
Hi Neela, I like your writing style. From the biography, I can see a happy, helpful and self-confidence Maria.
Hi Maria, your wirting is very organized and detailed. I can know the characters of Neela through the biography.
Hi Neela,
Your writing is well organized and full of details. I like it.
Hi Sam,
Your writing is very clear and interesting. Good job!
Hi Maria,
You are a good student as last year in Douglas College. I like your writingstyle, well organized and full of details.
From Julie:
Maria- an old friend and a new classmate
One of the new friends that I know in Vancouver is Maria, an old friend in Douglas College and a new classmate in PALC English 11 class. Maria has curly hair. She has big beautiful black eyes with sweet smile that makes you feel pleasant and comfortable.
Maria was born in Lima Peru, a gorgeous place with its nice weather and beautiful wild beaches which make it a famous tourist attraction. She lived in Peru for 27 years, and she really enjoyed the unforgettable happy time with her grandmother, parents, a brother, and a sister. Her grandmother was the most important person in her childhood. Because her mother had full time job when she was little, her grandmother raised her and dedicated herself to Maria’s life and education.
Maria married three years ago, and she moved to Vancouver on April, 2006. She has been living in New Westminster for two years and five months. Her husband was an ambitious engineer in Peru, and he wanted to have Canadian educational background, so he came to Canada. He studies in UBC for his MBA now. As a beloved wife, Maria came together with her husband two years ago. Her husband has the most important influence on her after her grownup.
Maria studied psychotherapy in Peru for four years and worked as a psychotherapist for two and a half years before came to Canada. She liked her career very much because she really liked to work with people and enjoyed the time when some people overcame their emotional and mental problems with her help. When she came to Canada, she found she was facing a big obstacle, language problem. Maria’s native language is Spanish. So she studied English in VCC, Douglas College, and PALC for two years, and she really has been improving a lot. Now, Maria wants to finish English 11 and English 12 in order to get in BCIT getting a consulting diploma. She is determined to have a new career in Vancouver, so she studies hard and makes a great effort to get her goals done. Maria also wants to be a home-loving wife and a happy mother of two children, but she has no children yet.
Written by
Julie Wang
Student Number: 47750
Sep. 25, 2008
Maria- an old friend and a new classmate
One of the new friends that I know in Vancouver is Maria, an old friend in Douglas College and a new classmate in PALC English 11 class. Maria has curly hair. She has big beautiful black eyes with sweet smile that makes you feel pleasant and comfortable.
Maria was born in Lima Peru, a gorgeous place with its nice weather and beautiful wild beaches which make it a famous tourist attraction. She lived in Peru for 27 years, and she really enjoyed the unforgettable happy time with her grandmother, parents, a brother, and a sister. Her grandmother was the most important person in her childhood. Because her mother had full time job when she was little, her grandmother raised her and dedicated herself to Maria’s life and education.
Maria married three years ago, and she moved to Vancouver on April, 2006. She has been living in New Westminster for two years and five months. Her husband was an ambitious engineer in Peru, and he wanted to have Canadian educational background, so he came to Canada. He studies in UBC for his MBA now. As a beloved wife, Maria came together with her husband two years ago. Her husband has the most important influence on her after her grownup.
Maria studied psychotherapy in Peru for four years and worked as a psychotherapist for two and a half years before came to Canada. She liked her career very much because she really liked to work with people and enjoyed the time when some people overcame their emotional and mental problems with her help. When she came to Canada, she found she was facing a big obstacle, language problem. Maria’s native language is Spanish. So she studied English in VCC, Douglas College, and PALC for two years, and she really has been improving a lot. Now, Maria wants to finish English 11 and English 12 in order to get in BCIT getting a consulting diploma. She is determined to have a new career in Vancouver, so she studies hard and makes a great effort to get her goals done. Maria also wants to be a home-loving wife and a happy mother of two children, but she has no children yet.
In the similar situation with many new immigrants including me, Maria faces a huge challenge in a new country. Language obstacle is the biggest one. Fortunately, she has passed the most difficult beginning time in the past two years. As I know her, she is a hard worker and a good student with lovely smile in her face all the time. She will fulfill her ambition and eventually become a psychotherapist in Canada. I was so happy when I knew she was my new classmate in PALC English 11 class. We were classmates in Douglas College last year. We had a great time in Douglas, and I always remember her for her sweet smile, high spirit, and hard working. Maria is one of a kind.
Maria: A very strong organization makes your biography of Neela easy to follow. There are a few places you can check your language use, but mainly everything is already very close to the final draft stage. Well done!
Sam, I particularly like your later paragraphs on Mia, especially on her hobbies and interests. I'm not sure, however, that I like the opening paragraph as it contains more about Tianjin than it does about Mia! You have 513 words, so you might omit some of that and work on a stronger opening for the biography.
Julie: Your feelings about Maria come through clearly in your biography, making it quite sympathetic to her life and struggles. As I said to you today, I find you've stated some details twice. For example, that you were former classmates is found at both the beginning and end. You have 492, so you can omit any unneeded repetitions without going below the word count. Good luck on the next revision!
Hi Neela, I like your introduction because it gives a reader an interest to continue, but you got a bit off topic in the intro. Remember, it’s about Maria, not Lima, her birthplace.
In addition, I think “Maria is married to her husband for three years” should be (Maria has been married for …) make sure about that.
In paragraph 2, I am not sure about “In her 27 years living in Lima”, but it doesn’t sound right to me. You can double-check that. And her reason for coming in Canada is that her husband wanted a Canadian education, don’t you think that should be in the intro paragraph? Don’t you think the last sentence should be about Maria because it is her Biography?
“As our birthday’s surprise parties will always be logged in our minds;” is that supposed to be a semicolon or comma?
Other than these, your writing is intriguing. Good luck with the editing.
Hi Brad, please do not think I plagiarized your idea about the more detail about Lima. I post my comments before reading yours. It was just a coincidence.
Julie, your writing well done and readable. I just read a biography about the same person,anyway.
Hi Sam, good writing though, but you focused on Tianjin than Mia. It’s a wonderful writing.
Note: Eman was the one who taught me this idea. Since she commented on my writing, I learned that you have to focus on the person more than her or his birthplace. I really appreciated that comment, Eman. Thanks.
Hi Maria, your writing is wonderful and well- organized, but in paragraph 4 “She hopes to get married a man who loves her a lot.” (She hopes to marry a man who… or she hopes to get married to a man who…) may be? Just a suggestion, if you like it.
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